Here are Olbermann's thoughts on Maddow coming to his defense:
"I appreciate Maddow supporting me on her show, I do. It was nice of her to say that MSNBC isn't a political operation but rather a news outfit, and that the political end of television belongs to Fox News. But it's simply not true - MSNBC panders to the left as much as Fox News panders to the right, something that's known to anyone who tunes in to either network. Fox News is 'fair and balanced' in the sense that they don't pretend to be something they're not. They claim to be neutral but their actions have always indicated otherwise, though they don't punish anyone for it."
Olbermann also had an opinion on MSNBC's potential hypocrisy:
"The funny thing is, the network and Phil Griffin [MSNBC President] are acting as if my donations are surprising. A journalist should do his or her part to be neutral, but I'm not a journalist - I'm a political pundit. Maybe Griffin and the suits didn't watch my show where I continuously bashed Republicans or aired a segment called 'Worst Person in the World', but if that's the case they didn't do their due diligence when they gave me a four year, 30 million dollar extension in November of 2008. You can't give me a contract extension when my partisan antics give you ratings and then pretend to act shocked when I give donations to a political campaign.
"Next thing you know they'll suspend Rachel [Maddow] for being an openly gay television personality and they'll justify it by arguing she should be neutral on her own sexuality."
Olbermann on his big announcement:
"I want to say thank you to everyone who has supported me, and the knowledge an online petition has been circled to get me back on the air has truly warmed my heart. Unfortunately, sometimes actions simply can't be undone and you simply need to move on. I learned that firsthand when I was fired from ESPN for calling Bristol, Connecticut, a 'Godforsaken place.' Even if my suspension should be lifted, I've decided to move on from MSNBC and join Fox News."
Olbermann's justification for such a bizarre move:
"I'm just as shocked as anyone by the move to Fox News but, oddly enough, it just made sense. I was contacted by Rupert Murdoch and, I've got to say, I thought it was a joke at first. When I got the phone call and Murdoch said he wanted me to join his network, I was pretty sure it was [Bill] O'Reilly doing a girly-voiced Australian accent and playing a prank, but it turned out to be the real thing. Yes, I have worked for Murdoch before on Fox Sports Net, and he did ultimately fire me for reporting he was planning on selling the Los Angeles Dodgers. Heck, he even called me 'crazy' to the media, but Murdoch did turn around and sell the Dodgers.
"Murdoch told me that, though he fired me for reporting the rumor, he had never actually thought of selling the Dodgers until I mentioned it. I made him a couple hundred million and, as he said, there's 'nothing crazy about that.' I don't like the man and he doesn't like me, but we get each other. He knows I'm at my best when I can speak my mind and I know he's at his best when he's forcing his employees to worship him as Satan."
Olbermann on the perks of his new job:
"Joining Fox News, and I never thought I'd say this, is going to be great. There are perks I never had at MSNBC. First, I no longer need to air a 'Worst Person in the World' segment because I can just point to everyone that's on the set as we go. Secondly, I think joining Fox News is a great business move. I'm going to do my best to look good, which isn't hard, so that O'Reilly will be enticed into sexually harassing me with that 'falafel thing.' Once that happens, I'll sue him for millions of dollars, and I'll give all the money I win with my sexiness to Democratic candidates all over the country. And the best part is, Fox News won't care. As Murdoch says, 'Profit is profit no matter who you crush to make it.'
"But more than anything, I'm excited about joining Fox News to solve the riddle of the century: is Greta Van Susteren really a man? Stay tuned and hear it from me, Keith Olbermann, first."
Scott Janssen is a grad student, political satirist for the Huffington Post, and an all-around drain on society. He can be reached at dnaprovesnothing@gmail.com or follow him at his blog at www.pantslessponderings.com.
Editor's note: The article about Keith Olbermann joining Fox News is 100% satire.
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